So already I am wondering why I am doing this.  So far this has already been a bad experience.  When setting up the acocunt, I mistyped the blog name and had to redo everything.  Anyways, why am I doing this, and what does the blog name mean.  I have to pretend that others will ask this question, rather then me talking to myself... hmm.  "Underneaththesmoke" as this blog is titled is the reference I make to smoke screen that is my life.  In my attepmt to to figure myself out and work through some crap I am going to write my thoughts here, and maybe somebody will read, maybe they won't.  The important thing is that for once I will be real with myself, and will be allowing myself to be real to others.  It is unimportant if I ever know it others read my thoughts.  What am I going to write, and how often?  I don't know.  Who know's the answers to life's questions?  I certainly don't.  I figure since I usually surf the net for 40 hours a week at work, I mind as well do somthing other than reading news from every news source possible.  (that would be one news source, since all others are bloody...)  Anyways... I feel like I am ranting and raving, but who cares...  So currently I am wishing I were in bed as I am tired.  But I can't go to bed since I am at work.  I won't get any sleep either until tonight.  I have to go to church early and participate in a children's Christmas program.  It's funny, I have been trying to quit forever, and I am still doing this junk.  Then I have to be at worship practice, but that is ok since I can maybe actually relax and spend sometime is His pressence.   But I am still uptight about tomorrow's youth party.  I have to tell all the teens that I have changed the resturaunt to a cheaper one, becuase I can't afford to foot the bill for those that can't pay.  To top that off, I am wondering how I will get 15 teens in two cars.  I hate this crap!  Everything is so hard at this place, and it will take a miracle or a really good guilt trip to get people to offer a hand.  Of course as usual I will be told to figure something else out, because the studetns will understand, and hey "I am doing quality ministry..."  I am going to vommit if I am told that one more time.  I don't know how much more BS I can take from this perpetual BS mill.  This place is a joke, it's dying.  And I die thinking about that fact.  But what am I to do.  I am one person, and all I can do is pray.  God is in control, but it's enough sometimes for me to want to be like King David and rip my tunic off.  I am going insane at this place...  I really don't think I can die anymore, I really don't think I can get any more burnt out.  When a lightbulb gets burnt out, it is done.  It I am to be the light then am I done?  Can I be done?  Should I be done?  These are questions I am still waiting on the Big Man to answer.  For now though I think I am going to walk around and be like Job.  I can scream all I want, there is nobody here.

To Be Continued...